In the media, influenced by Western sensibilities, the term “arranged marriage,” is often associated with a forced union between two individuals who do not know each other. This view is heavily influenced by an individualistic perspective that emphasises romantic attraction and self-related values.
In the Asian context, arranged marriage is a decentralized marital system that prioritizes unified interests and family-related values. Arranged marriages require a deep commitment that goes beyond attraction or attachment between individuals. The focus is on compatibility between the couple, the quality of their family’s reputation, and the alignment of values and virtues.
My parents and my in-laws knew each other and our extended families since the 1960s, and they also had common friends over the years. Through our families, I met my husband and our marriage is into its thirty-seventh year and counting, as we found marital bliss in shared values and common goals.
Values are generally formed and developed through socialization from parents, friends, personal experiences, and society. Therefore, the values that the parents and extended circle of the bride/groom hold, have an impact on their personal values. Knowing the family and their values help the extended families to assess the alignment of these values with that of the prospective bride/groom.
We agreed to the alliance between us and our families with full and free consent. Arranged marriages have different dynamics from individualistic marriages, in that the acceptance of the person is based on collective research, cross-reference and validation done by immediate and extended family and networks, on both sides. The freedom to be one’s authentic self, without the need to impress anyone, is a liberating feature of an arranged union, as choosing the two individuals to marry is a collective responsibility. With it comes the harmony between romance and tradition.
Technology has facilitated the growth of arranged marriages through matrimonial sites for families to do the initial shortlisting for their busy next generation. The decision-making process in an arranged marriage takes a rational approach, than taking decisions at an emotional level based on attractiveness or fascination. As the extended family has a stake in the success of the marriage, this support network is also available to provide guidance and interventions in conflict resolution.
While arranged marriages are becoming less common in recent times, however, they remain prevalent such as in the Malay and Indian communities of Singapore and Malaysia; the Middle East and North Africa region as well as the Indian communities across the globe that have a strong matchmaking culture. Ultra-high-net-worth families across Asia also practice arranged marriages to ensure compatibility between the families joining through marriage.
As a management consultant, the advice to any organisational leader would be the insights I would share on arranged marriage:
♻️ The ecosystem is important. Finding the right partners and then making the partnership thrive is not based merely on the founders' efforts – the ecosystem, collaborators and mentorship programs help partnerships succeed. So does the engagement and support of the family ecosystem in finding the match and supporting them through their lifetime. The couple steadies the boat when it gets rocky, with help from this ecosystem and mentors, including conflict resolution.
💍 Arranged unions are not based only on attraction or attachment. It is intentional about the team's values and culture. When aligned it can be very harmonious. With our support, I watched my father-in-law care for my mother-in-law through her difficult final years with selfless devotion. I have seen my parents and numerous other arranged marriages characterized by warmth and affection that have thrived into their old age.
💕 While the initial stage may not be focused on love or attraction, in enjoying time together, learning more about each other, sharing lived experiences and continuing to define the life ahead, one experiences an intimacy that sustains well into the future. Love is about growth, curiosity, building from mutually aligned core values, and most importantly envisioning a shared future.
I am in control of my own life and destiny and feel empowered as a woman and as a person. I see the value of this decentralized marriage system, that I have experienced. Hence sharing this as my 37th wedding anniversary musings.
